Lost and Found (20th July 2008)

ALONE

Alone, with no one? None. Hmm… you sure? Yes, a million dollar, a billion dollar sure. I see out of the window, so many people out there, but yes, still I am alone. Right out side the room where I sit typing this I can see three people but then why am I alone? Or am I, or is this just another figment of my weird imagination which I conjure every now and then to feel the way I want to. Why do I need to do this? I have no reason but still I keep on doing it every now and then. And the best part is I have started to enjoy this being alone thing. Why have I started to enjoy this which I used to hate and almost landed up in a disaster to avoid it? May be it would have been better if I would have controlled myself then, at least now it would not have been the way it is.

Being alone is a good thing in itself. I have finally started to look into self, to find myself. I get to spend all the time with myself, and whenever you need someone to feel that you are a human, use technology to connect with people, again with the flexibility of giving only as much time as required, no more, no less. The introspection has led to many discoveries which make me feel good and bad in equal measure. The good is that I have learnt is that it may not be necessary that if we stay alone we end up doing drugs or booze. It may be that we learn to find peace with ourselves. People feel, this way of staying uninvolved is not a good sign, but then can you stay involved with everyone? No. I have found so many qualities in myself which I was unaware of and used to search for them in others. It’s only now that I have seen that I too have many a good qualities, which I always wished I had.

The best is making decisions. Earlier I always looked upon my parents to make decisions for me. Now I go to them for advice and discussions. Still I love them the same, just that now there is an element of extra understanding that has come in. Initially all the decisions made by them had to be followed, they never forced me to, but then I never challenged any. I took them as it is and followed them blind folded, holding their hands. And what I did was very correct, I know if I would not have done that maybe I would not have reached where I am today. True there may be many opportunities that I lost; but then many a disasters have also been done with. Now that I am more mature I know what is good and what is not, still I am prone to mistakes, and I know I have backing to help me in any case. My parents have very beautifully transformed from being great manufacturers to great consultants. They know exactly when, what to do. When they saw that I am good enough to make choices I was left. Thank you for that.

The values that I have are the one which I know will always help me. Sometimes I feel that always doing good will never help me. Being true to all is crap, and help others only if they can help you in future. I was wrong, and it is because of my values I know that I am. The values that are drilled into me are what help me sustain myself the way I am. Many a times when things happen the way we don’t want them to we take everything to be negative, but then it is these values and habits that have been imbibed that make you look at all the aspects and then take decisions. A late decision is way better than a wrong decision. I had a big fight with one of my dearest friends, a big one at that, because I started to look for names, for things which have none. I kept quite, analysed the situation and now have my friend back, less in intimacy, but none the less there, and much better than not being there at all.

Also I learned on how to be self satisfied and keep you within the boundaries and respect limits of other people. I learned it from another friend of mine. Not that I do not maintain my limits, that I always do, but the harm it causes, I learnt from her. Never ever do things that upset others, that is what causes more problems to you in future. How small misunderstanding can get bloated up to a level that they end up spoiling everything, I learned it the hard way. Keeping quite helps a lot. The words “if speech is silver, then silence is gold” are so true I never believed them. The silence, I it feel now. I have started to hear things that were unheard of earlier. I have understood what I never did, what I never wanted to and always took for granted and now I have finally found someone, the most precious of all, Anant. Mysely.