Lonely..... :(
Lonely…. there is nothing as lonely, I am there naa, don’t worry. Chuck out this melodrama and get real, u have so many people around you why do you say so, no one is lonely today, especially you said my friend. Today when I look back, I feel that what was said then was very true, so correct. Look at me now; this may be what loneliness is. Not alone but still alone. With friends but still without them. Not sad but then not happy too. It’s a weird state in which I am. Seriously, never did I feel so bound down and so free at the same time. Feels as if I am on an island with a group of friends partying and I have turned vegetable. Cannot feel anything, see anything, cannot express myself when I so want to. A state of mind, weird to the extent of being disturbing, driving you insane.
This is a strange situation. I am not at peace with myself. There is a fight that ensues every time I open my eyes. I fight with myself. I say that what all has happened is for good but then somewhere inside I know, I feel, no, all is not right. There is something that is lost, something that is missing. I don’t know what but am having a hunch there is something. The feel is same when you pack for a vacation and then in the back of your mind you keep on thinking, have I left out anything??? Passport?? documents?? Tickets?? Do I have it all?? You check twice, thrice and still don’t find what’s missing. But then you carry on, cannot waste an age trying to find out that you left your handkerchief, can you?? So it is with my state of mind, just that I am checking it more than those three times, have to be very sure on this vacation of life.
I listen to music, see people around, children playing, quarrelling for petty things, I smile at their innocence and pray for its long existence. Every thing that they do is out there for every one to see. No malice what so ever. I feel emaciated, drawn to the limits and left there to get accustomed. I never feel fresh, I long for that feeling but its just not there, try as much as I want to. Sleep for long hours, take cold showers, have tequila shots, just to cross that threshold to feel new, the way you were. You cannot climb this wall of a threshold. Cannot. The effort is for me to say, yes, I tried. You look up, try again, cry at the failure, laugh at your self for its you who has landed yourself at the place you are.
No one understands me, not even myself. The face misleads everyone, convincing every soul that you are the happiest of them all. The smiles are responded to. I want everyone to behave as bad as they can so that I feel good about my present. I try if people will leave me, if I stopped trying from my side, and they do. The world is a mirror said someone and now here I am standing in front of it, naked, to see every fault I have, magnified, too hard to believe it’s me. The truth is there for me to see but I don’t want to accept it. It makes me feel small, alien. Is it me?? It cannot be!!!
After all I was good to everyone, never hurt anyone, never lied and if I did it was for everyone to be happy. I did not know that lies harmless for others will ring the death knell for peace in my life.
I see people happy around me and then I doubt; are they actually happy?? Or is this just a façade?? are they doing it just to make me feel even worse??? I start thinking and then go into the abyss of dismay, trying to come out but being pushed down further, rock tied to me, falling fast, as if never to come out. I stabilise only to find myself deep down, try to come out but then slip again. I know this way I am going to hurt just myself and those who love me, I hope someone does, but how to come out??
I don’t know. I think I should stop trying; enough has been invested on this. Lets go out and enjoy every thing, the pain, misery, joy and happiness. I will do it, no one can stop me from being happy now, I have had enough of this. After all some one has also said, life is a ice-cream, enjoy it before it melts away. So why waste my ice cream for a flavour I could not have.
This is a strange situation. I am not at peace with myself. There is a fight that ensues every time I open my eyes. I fight with myself. I say that what all has happened is for good but then somewhere inside I know, I feel, no, all is not right. There is something that is lost, something that is missing. I don’t know what but am having a hunch there is something. The feel is same when you pack for a vacation and then in the back of your mind you keep on thinking, have I left out anything??? Passport?? documents?? Tickets?? Do I have it all?? You check twice, thrice and still don’t find what’s missing. But then you carry on, cannot waste an age trying to find out that you left your handkerchief, can you?? So it is with my state of mind, just that I am checking it more than those three times, have to be very sure on this vacation of life.
I listen to music, see people around, children playing, quarrelling for petty things, I smile at their innocence and pray for its long existence. Every thing that they do is out there for every one to see. No malice what so ever. I feel emaciated, drawn to the limits and left there to get accustomed. I never feel fresh, I long for that feeling but its just not there, try as much as I want to. Sleep for long hours, take cold showers, have tequila shots, just to cross that threshold to feel new, the way you were. You cannot climb this wall of a threshold. Cannot. The effort is for me to say, yes, I tried. You look up, try again, cry at the failure, laugh at your self for its you who has landed yourself at the place you are.
No one understands me, not even myself. The face misleads everyone, convincing every soul that you are the happiest of them all. The smiles are responded to. I want everyone to behave as bad as they can so that I feel good about my present. I try if people will leave me, if I stopped trying from my side, and they do. The world is a mirror said someone and now here I am standing in front of it, naked, to see every fault I have, magnified, too hard to believe it’s me. The truth is there for me to see but I don’t want to accept it. It makes me feel small, alien. Is it me?? It cannot be!!!
After all I was good to everyone, never hurt anyone, never lied and if I did it was for everyone to be happy. I did not know that lies harmless for others will ring the death knell for peace in my life.
I see people happy around me and then I doubt; are they actually happy?? Or is this just a façade?? are they doing it just to make me feel even worse??? I start thinking and then go into the abyss of dismay, trying to come out but being pushed down further, rock tied to me, falling fast, as if never to come out. I stabilise only to find myself deep down, try to come out but then slip again. I know this way I am going to hurt just myself and those who love me, I hope someone does, but how to come out??
I don’t know. I think I should stop trying; enough has been invested on this. Lets go out and enjoy every thing, the pain, misery, joy and happiness. I will do it, no one can stop me from being happy now, I have had enough of this. After all some one has also said, life is a ice-cream, enjoy it before it melts away. So why waste my ice cream for a flavour I could not have.
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